Got put on meds this past Friday....pushed myself to kill myself but just don't have it in me. As in shotgun barrel in my mouth, safety off, finger on the trigger, telling myself,
"Do It! Do it you fukcing pussy! DO IT!!!"
But after spending a fair amount of time that way over this past week.....felt like if what the doctors say about retraining your brain to be positive that I could retrain my brain to finally push past the brink and kill myself.....but I couldn't. I wish I had it in me but I just don't.....so now I'm going to have to get busy living, since I don't have the option to get busy dying.
January was a weird month. I had the best New Year's of my life.....with the love of my life.....
Two weeks later restraining order after losing my shit and going mental....combination of seasonal depression, breakup I caused and didn't see coming, brain fried on drugs and unable to create any happiness through serotonin/dopamine receptors shut down, but holy shit.....weird month.....the whole town that loved and embraced me kind of mourned watching me flame out.....me and my girl were kind of the Jim & Pam of the small town we're in.....everyone loved seeing us together. Lots and lots of cops....had a welfare check one night at 2:30am after I picked up a zip of crank....scary AF. They ended up being really good to me and one became a very close friend. I never thought I'd be going to lunch with a cop and have him be like, "C'mon man, keep your chin up....please don't put me in a position where I have to put you in jail," because I was losing my shit and couldn't kick speed....
These meds are working though.....first time I've felt this clear of mind and emotionally stable in a looooong time......to where it feels weird, almost totally foreign to me.